Skip to main content
LICENSED · BONDED · DECEASEDDUSK TO DAWN · SEVEN NIGHTS A WEEK
Small-Premises Haunting

Guard the few rooms thieves actually want.

A pharmacy’s refrigerator. A restaurant’s liquor cabinet and cash drawer. A school’s computer lab and supply closet. One specialist learns every door, every route, and every weak spot in those rooms, and makes the intruder reconsider.

The Eternal Hall Monitor in a school hallway
Filed
Small-premises specialists

Who works your building.

Each of these is a standing member of the night shift, with a price you can read out loud.

After-Hours HauntingThe core service. Dusk to dawn in three strengths: Whisper, Wail, and Full Poltergeist.Choose your strength → Small-Premises HauntingOne ghost who learns every door. Built for restaurants, pharmacies, and schools.See the small-site files → Wide-Area HauntingGhosts by department and routes between buildings. For stores, plants, and office parks.See the big-site files →
Restaurants & bars

The Spirits Cabinet Patrol

Guards the liquor and the cash drawer, the two things thieves actually want.

Price2 souls a year, or 1 soul plus a Friday libation each quarter
Restaurants

The Grease Reaper

Watches the used cooking oil bin all night. Stolen oil is a real crime, and almost nobody guards against it.

Price2 souls a year, or 1 soul plus a gallon of oil each quarter
Pharmacies

The Cold Spot by the Vaccine Fridge

A cold spot beside the medication fridge, exactly as cold as the fridge and no colder.

Price2 souls a year, or 1 soul plus one unfinished prescription, filled, each quarter
Schools

The Eternal Hall Monitor

Asks every intruder for a hall pass. Most adults still freeze when asked where they are supposed to be.

Price2 souls a year, or 1 soul plus one overdue library book, returned, each quarter
Schools

The Summer Break Pass

Coverage for exactly the ten empty weeks of summer, so you pay only for the exposure you have.

Price2 souls a year, or 1 soul plus the gym radio each quarter

See the full catalog ▸

What customers say

A pharmacy, a school, and a bar and grill

Small rooms, specific valuables, and one specialist who knows every door.

Customer

The back door has not been tried since the draft arrived. The refrigerator log has never been better.

Gus LindqvistOwner, Main Street Pharmacy
Customer

I have cleaned this building for thirty-four years. For the first time, I come in at six and the hall is already quiet. Somebody had my back all night.

Dorothea WhitcombeHead Custodian, Westmarsh Middle School
Customer

The grease thieves stopped. I did not know people stole grease. Apparently they did. They do not now.

Beverly CastellanOwner, The Copper Kettle Bar and Grill
From the team

Matching the cold spot to the refrigerator log was my idea. The Proprietor said it sounded like a lot of effort for a draft. He signed off the next morning.

Cold Spot DaveIT and Monitoring

How a small-premises night works

I ride your closing routine in reverse: back door, stockroom, the room with the cash or the medication, and the front. Then I stay where the risk is. A late-closing restaurant gets a different night than an empty school, and a pharmacy gets a cold spot exactly as cold as its refrigerator, and no colder.

Every night ends the same way: a plain written report on your desk by morning, even when nothing happened. Especially then.

A restaurant night · Delivered at first light

The cellar is quiet now.

A wine cellar, a thief with two empty crates, and a wall that was not there when he came in.

MORNING REPORT · CASA FORTUNATO RESTAURANT · FILED 06:00

22:50 RIDE BEGINS. KITCHEN CLEAN. LIQUOR LOCKED. GREASE BIN LOCKED.
00:10 INTRUDER (1) ENTERED THE WINE CELLAR WITH TWO EMPTY CRATES.
00:12 A LOW BRICK WALL APPEARED ACROSS THE CELLAR DOORWAY. IT WAS OURS. A VOICE ASKED, GENTLY, IF HE WOULD LIKE A BARREL OF AMONTILLADO. HE WOULD NOT.
00:13 INTRUDER ASKED TO LEAVE. WE SAID WE HAD TIME. POLICE CALLED.
00:30 AN OLD DINER (SPIRIT, NOT OURS) HAS SAT AT TABLE 4 SINCE 1962. WE LAUGHED. HE LAUGHED. WE AGREED WE HAVE THIS ONE COVERED. HE ASKED FOR THE CHECK.
01:10 POLICE ARRIVED. WALL REMOVED, BRICK BY BRICK. INTRUDER PRESENTED. NO DAMAGE TO SHELVING.
05:55 SUNRISE. 212 BOTTLES COUNTED. 212 PRESENT. BRICKS STACKED BY THE BACK DOOR.
** INTRUDERS: 1. INTRUDERS IN CUSTODY: 1. BOTTLES STOLEN: 0. MANAGER ASKED TO KEEP THE BRICKS. **
Schedule of charges

What it costs to be haunted

One Whisper, per annum1 soul
A draft at neck height. For quiet streets.
One Wail, per annum2 souls
Or 1 soul and a lobby TV, which we value at 1 soul. Footsteps and flickering lights.
One Full Poltergeist3 souls
Chains, slamming doors, levitating staplers.
Small-premises specialist, per site2 souls
Or 1 soul plus one favor each quarter. One ghost who learns every door.
Wide-area specialist, per area1 soul
Or one favor each quarter. An area is a department, lot, dock, floor, or orchard block.
Extra Certified Haunted Decal1 doubloon
The first decal is free with every plan.
Morning ReportIncluded

1 soul = 12 doubloons = 4 favors. A favor is a small kindness, delivered once a quarter. Dollars accepted, reluctantly, at whatever rate Ezekiel quotes in writing.

Empty-Handed Guarantee

If an intruder fails to run off empty-handed and frightened, the way they always do in haunted houses, the night shall be forgiven. Claims within 30 days.

Request a ride-through

Every intruder runs off empty-handed, or the night is free.

Request a ride-through ▸