Terms of Service
An old-fashioned agreement, faithfully observed. By engaging our services you agree to the following, set down in good faith and an excess of candles.
I. On riding through walls
Our staff may ride through walls, doors, and ceilings in the ordinary course of duty. This is not trespassing. It is simply how we get in. We will, however, use the door when convenient, out of courtesy to the horse.
II. On possession
We will not possess your employees, your customers, or your pets. We may, with your written consent, briefly possess a stubborn filing cabinet or a malfunctioning ice machine. Possession ends at sunrise and is reversible.
III. On appearing unexpectedly
We may appear without warning in any room you have contracted us to protect. If this startles you, we apologize. If this startles an intruder, that is the service working.
IV. On cold spots
Cold spots are a feature, not a defect. Your thermostat is not broken. If it is, please call a plumber, as we are not that kind of ghost.
V. On payment
We accept souls, gold, and favors, in that order of preference. Favors include leaving the lobby television on a resident ghost’s favorite channel, finishing a ghost’s unfinished business, and removing or transferring a curse. Dollars are accepted, reluctantly, by arrangement. Prices and terms are agreed in writing before the first night.
VI. On the guarantee and claims
Coverage begins at dusk and ends at dawn, as defined by the almanac and not by your opinion of the light. Every plan carries the Empty-Handed Guarantee: if an intruder fails to run off empty-handed and frightened, the way they always do in haunted houses, you do not pay for that night. Claims must be made within 30 days. For any other valid claim, our remedy is more of the service. If you are unhappy with our haunting, the answer is additional haunting.
VII. On cameras and equipment
Ghosts do not always appear on film, and strong electromagnetic fields sometimes blow out a lens. Management is not responsible for blank footage, sudden static, or cameras that have seen things.
VIII. On bridges (the Bridge Clause)
We do not cross bridges, overpasses, skywalks, footbridges, or any structure that goes over something. This is not negotiable, and we ask that you not ask. Coverage ends where the nearest bridge begins. The Bridge Liaison covers the far side for an additional fee. The guarantee is void if the Horseman is asked to cross a bridge just this once.
IX. On liability
We do our very best and promise nothing we cannot deliver. Apart from the Empty-Handed Guarantee, we do not guarantee results, only our full, tireless, slightly translucent attention.
X. On ending this agreement
You may end this agreement at any time. We will stop haunting your premises within a reasonable period and leave the lights as we found them.
XI. On this website
Questions about this website go to Ezekiel, our webmaster, who answers in ink.